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I haven’t written much lately, but I have written a couple songs and some free verse since January. Last night, I got a bit tipsy while packing for my trip to England in a couple of days and wrote this thing. Fueled by flight anxiety (those seats are small and my hips are wide), and anxiety about what to pack to wear, not wanting to be the “fat American” and the list goes on, I was considering why I’ve been conditioned to worry so. While I work out and eat healthily and wouldn’t mind losing some weight, I am inspired by people like Tess Holliday and others on the body positivity forefront to embrace the skin I’m in. It’s a constant struggle, as a now single 31-year old and a performer. I have a lot of self-doubt to wade through.
Enjoy.
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“Worthy”
I spent hours staring at my naked body in the mirror
Trying to convince myself that someone will see
That I am worthy of love.
That I am worthy of affection.
That someone will want to run their hands across my curves,
Grasp their fingers around my rolls,
Look at me with the light on
and not turn away in disgust,
But turn towards me with desire.
None of this passive bullshit.
“I love you for who you are, baby.
I’m blind to how you look.”
I deserve more.
I deserve to be seen.
“You’re beautiful on the inside, baby,
But your body is my kryptonite.”
My body may not meet a single beauty standard
But on a cold, cold night
My body is warm.
On a hard surface
My body is soft.
On a sleepless night
My body is comfort.
On a rough day
My body is strong.
And in the arms of my lover
My body is fucking amazing.
I am aware
That my worth is not diminished
By my voluptuousness.
But here lies a battleground of judgment
Battered by disdainful gazes,
Piercing words,
And constant rejection.
But one day I will rise
A Queen,
Victorious in the eyes of my lover.
And they will see what I see
And feel what I feel
And we will set the world on fire.